If I can personally learn and share with others, one lesson, this would be it. I had the opportunity to support at least three people online yesterday in forms of ‘self-care’. Reflecting this morning, I realized that it would make an important and timely blog post.
Many of us were trained and expected from birth to provide some kind of care for others. During that training we rarely learned proper self-care, I know that I certainly did not. Now in my 40’s-50’s, I struggle to maintain a consistent self-care practice. Oh, I am quite adept at sporadic indulgences that I thought were “being good to myself”, but like a sugary dessert, they were fun in the moment, but had no lasting support or result. I have honestly looked at one of my favorite indulgences or rewards, a manicure/pedicure, and redefined it as self-care, because it is something that is supportive and nurturing, that I am not good about doing for myself. This is one of the easier changes, because creating a consistent routine of any sort, is not my strong suit, add the layer of societal guilt around self-care and it is a constant struggle. The saddest reflection is the behavior of making self-care practices a reward or treat, rather than a consistent practice. I have realized, as I have been working on this, that I honestly don’t know what to use as a reward for myself, since I recognize most of the things I did in the past were mostly self-care that I should do regularly or empty distractions that provided no actual reward.
But if we are to care for others, doing so from a dry well, is not only impossible, it is not supportive or kind to those we are trying to help. When I have cared for myself first, I do not have the resentment or short temper when I need to provide help for someone else. And while some of you might not snap at someone like I am prone to, the person you might be snapping at is yourself and that isn’t good either. One of the analogies I often use is, “on the airplane, they always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first, before helping others.”
Self-care includes boundaries, emotional, mental and physical at times, with others, but even with ourselves. Self-care encompasses how we talk to ourselves. Would we say to another what we say to ourselves? Would we talk to a dear friend the way that we talk to ourselves? Mindful-Self Compassion practices have been a significant support in how I talk to myself. Self-care is especially important in the area of expectations of ourselves. Is what we think we should do, honestly practical or even possible to maintain? Releasing guilt for what we cannot do and certainly any guilt for our self-care practices is an important part of self-care.
So you might be asking, how is self-care part of Ancestral Trauma Healing? My response is, where do you think you learned the habits, the guilt, the expectations, the beliefs around self-care? Learning supportive sustainable self-care is an important healing practice for your entire ancestral legacy. It is also very important to care for yourself when you are doing any healing work, ie…the empty well analogy above. In the end, all healing comes from within, so start your healing practices with yourself and see how it positively affects those around you. Disclaimer: The ideas expressed in this blog are reflective of my personal path and experience. They are not presented as ‘truth’ to anyone but myself. I hope that they might spur insights in your own life and practices, but each of us have our own journey.
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