“She meant well”, is not a good excuse and it’s even a lame explanation. I recently wrote a commentary that misunderstood many facets of an issue. It was an old narrative, that I had pulled out in “defense” of black people since I read a report documenting the incident. I thought it was a good narrative, I’ve used it for about 25 years, but when I pulled it out today there was push-back.
My first instinct was good; “apologize”, make sure you are handling it appropriately and if not, adjust your response. Fortunately, I did that publicly in both places that I shared my commentary as soon as I received the message. My second response was where I could have gone off track. In my head, I want to re-word it, if I had only said it better, I would have been understood. I could just erase it, since it was inappropriate, but that isn’t a good choice either. In the end, the 45-minute commute to my appointment saved me. As I drove, and wrote out responses or edits in my head, I realized that none of them would be okay. The only thing okay is to leave it as it is, with my mistake glaring in the semi-public eye of Facebook.
If I had tried to explain it would have been equivalent to “I am sorry, but…” and that is the quickest way to undermine the sincerity of your apology. If I had deleted the post, I would have erased the words of a woman of color, telling me I had stepped out of line. If I am indeed, apologetic, I don’t have to hide from my mistake, I have to learn from it.
As I reflected on the narrative itself, I realized that it came from a very white patriarchal mindset. It was derived from as dominant an institution as the Rand Corp. I can just imagine how sharing that explanation would have gone over. Another part of my commentary excluded the real lived experience of people of color, not to mention other unnecessary bits of assimilation to the dominant controlling culture.
I share this because many facets of my healing journey have brought me to the stage, where I can uncomfortably sit with difficult feelings. One of my biggest triggers is ‘being heard’ and this situation was glaringly being misunderstood…but when I backed off from how I felt, I could easily see how I made someone else feel. Mindful Self-compassion, helped me not lash out in defense of my statement. I also think that some of my work on family betrayals, helped me not be so defensive. I hope that you will also find ways to allow negative feedback, help inform you, rather than create more trauma for yourself and others.
Meaning Well is NOT enough, Doing Better is required.
Lesson learned, and hopefully it will have a lasting effect on my future interactions.
Disclaimer: The ideas expressed in this blog are reflective of my personal path and experience. They are not presented as ‘truth’ to anyone but myself. I hope that they might spur insights in your own life and practices, but each of us have our own journey.
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